Professional Talent and Depression
I could pretend that I’m bravely clacking out the words to this post on my keyboard. That I’m overpowered by my excitement to share this with the world. While that would sound really cool and fit some sort of fantasy maybe, the truth is I write this with fear tugging at these clacking fingers.
I have recently come to a strong realization. One that hopefully will allow me and, more importantly, those with whom I work and share my life, to work better together. That realization is that hiding my biggest problem does more harm for me than good. To be blunt: it bites me in the ass.
Well my butt has enough gouges from this so I’m going to swallow my fear and clack this out:
I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression. I have pretty much my entire life.
Whew that felt better.
Actually, that’s not true. I feel the same as when I wrote my first sentence.
I’ll clack on.
Why Here - Why Now
Why do this? And why do it here?
My intention for this space is to create a professional blog. One that was designed to talk about business development and marketing in today’s world. So many companies, so many organizations have it wrong now. They worry about brand, about themselves, about their products. They’re not looking at relationships, content, educating and sharing. That’s what this whole site is about. That’s what I’m about.
And yet I haven’t shared since I started this site a year ago. I've had so many great ideas. I've come up with some very important points. I even wrote out posts that I never uploaded. Not because I didn't want to. Not out of fear. Or laziness. Or anything of the kind. Sometimes it just all stays in my head. And then it snowballs inside there.
Why do I share this? Why now?
I have learned only in the last several months that hiding it won't help. Pretending that it won't always be there, that I don't have to take necessary steps to ensure that it doesn't affect my work (something I have done for years in my personal life), doesn't help. It doesn't help me. It doesn't help my customers, my teammates or my partners.
Accepting this as something that needs to be taken into account and taking necessary steps will allow me to be working on all cylinders and making sure that those who rely on me are getting optimum results.
There should be no shame in my putting this here. Quite the opposite. I'm telling you, "I understand my situation and I have set up simple processes and habits that allow me to be successful." At the end of the day that's what I do for you.
Support and Understanding
And, yes, this is also to give some sort of support, however that may be, to all those who also have this daily lifetime fight. Most people talk about the stigma. Forget that. Even if the stigma is gone, the lack of understanding or even total ignorance still makes it impossible for those not carrying the black dog around (depression, thanks to Winston Churchill, is often referred to as the black dog) to really help.
My one and only personal work story: In a previous position I had proposals to write. Now I had the proposals mapped out perfectly in my head. I could have explained them perfectly in a meeting. Or worked with a partner to get them out and done. But it was just me, my head and a computer. It wasn't getting done.
I was hiding this of course. Making up excuses. But excuses don’t work in a world based on results and my words were starting ring very hollow in the office. At some point my boss and her henchwoman got me in a meeting to read me some riot act. Knowing it was coming I was prepared to answer.
I told them the truth.
At the time it was great. They immediately changed their tone. They were understanding. My boss even apologized for having thought the worst of me. They then even told me that if I'm in those moments to just come to them.
It had been the first time I had ever admitted to this in a professional setting. The results seemed amazing. There was no stigma.
It turned out not enough however.
My boss told me she had been a clinical psychologist in another life before business and offered understanding. She also informed HR so that I could be protected by the American Disabilities Act as it also covers mental illness. The VP of HR herself reached out to me. I was sent a special form to fill out, one that asks for an Accommodation. Under the ADA I could ask for an accommodation, a special set of circumstances that my employer would allow so that I could continue to function. How cool was that?
People who don't suffer chronic anxiety and depression often believe depression is only about sadness or feeling negative about life. Or at best the loss of energy. But so often its about thoughts and feelings snowballing and paralyzing you.
I was extremely happy about getting the accommodation. I felt that it was a turning point. I was going to be able to always excel and ensure that everyone gets the results I'm capable of. But at the same time I felt strange and guilty and confused. Do I ask for time off? No, they might not understand. People could get upset about that. And I have a ton of work. Work I know I want to do and can get good results on. Maybe I could ask for more time for myself while still working. But I had already been told that I hadn't yet earned the right to work at home on Fridays. Could asking for more time cause friction? Maybe I could ask to work more with our BD support person and have her work with me on tasks? But would that cause tension? Would she get upset? What should I do?
That vicious circle of thoughts played around my head most of the day. Every day.
And then, almost without realizing it, weeks had gone by.
This is the moment to explain that of course we all need to own up to our own actions. We really don’t always get to choose the cards. We really do have no choice in the matter sometimes. If you can’t do something. ask for help. If you can’t find help, cry out louder maybe.
I don’t know honestly. When that mental spin cycle goes and freezes you it’s a whirlpool. A vortex. Some spinning sucking thing that takes time and energy out of you. In all this time since those days I’ve always tried to take ownership for my actions and I honestly feel that the blame for my not filling out that accommodation sheet falls on my shoulders. We have to start with ourselves. Even when it’s hard.
That said....
It’s still a clear example of ignorance towards depression. Giving a depressed person who can’t get anything done at that moment yet another thing to do? To quote Dick Cavett here, “It was that when you’re downed by this affliction, if there were a curative magic wand on the table eight feet away, it would be too much trouble to go over and pick it up.”
Should a VP of HR know this? (Admittedly I’m biased, but it’s an open, honest question).
Should they have followed up with me? Should there have been more meetings to make sure things are getting done? Should they have taken more action? Should a company understand and have a policy for this?
Talent and Mental Illness
I don’t know. But this is why Royce White, right or wrong, brings up this valid point. Of course a business is just that, a business. It’s about making money. But isn’t any company’s greatest asset its talent? And, within reason, would it be worth the effort to at least have some sort of simple policy that could help those individuals seen as talented?
Giving time off and allowing someone to get treatment is actually not enough. It’s important and incredibly helpful. It’s a great step. But so often it’s not enough. It’s about creating a system of processes that will ensure that the person suffering depression can continually function at optimum level and have failsafes when those deeper moments come.
You must decide whether it’s worth it.
I was given kind words and the accommodation sheet to fill out. I, of course, was allowed to leave early on Tuesdays to see my psychiatrist.
(A quick aside on that shrink. Knowing that I had come to her with lifelong depression, knowing even more so that I had come because I was failing with it and it was affecting my work, when I took out that accommodation sheet and asked her to look at it so we could go over it together, she told me that I had to first fill it out and then she would look at it. Great. And she charged $200 an hour.)
Obviously this wasn’t enough for me. And while I know that my accountability has to be counted and weighed here as well, I know, at least for me, that the little support I had been offered and not given didn’t help. I continued to succumb.
I still had to get in proposals of course. And, just as before, what was in my head could only stay in my head. I couldn’t get it done. But we professionals live in a world with deadlines. And I answered to a co-worker working with me on these projects. A head of a section. My boss’s henchwoman (and that’s of course my weighted, slanted, even jaded opinion on this and her).
I knew my proposals weren’t right. So I sent it to a co-worker/teammate to look them over for me. I put the henchwoman on copy of course. When my numerous mistakes were pointed out I received this e-mail:
“What happened here? I feel as though this is the same issue we have faced in the past with proposals and cutting and pasting? I started to review these myself and found the same mistakes - so I stopped. Can we talk?”
Should it been obvious that the same issue was the one I had already confessed suffering before?
After a few e-mails I reiterated that the reason was the same as before. That my depression was getting the best of me at that time. The response:
“As part of your BD role it is imperative that you carve out the right amount of time and energy to prepare and review proposals and contracts. This felt very much like a rushed effort and thus the resulting errors. At the end of the day producing professional and finished proposals and contracts will be critical to your success.”
Obviously my pride is speaking here, but I had been doing just that for over a decade with success both in my own company and working for others. This wasn’t about ability or professionalism. This was about something I had already admitted to suffering.
Not much afterwards we lost a customer under my watch. During the first of many inquisitions my boss held she berated me. Yelled at me that there was no excuse for my not getting my shit done in the time I had to do it. Yelled at me, “I don’t know how you were ever successful selling on your own or selling anything for that matter.” This was the same person who told me just weeks before that she intimately understood depression since she herself had been a practicing clinical psychologist.
I don’t work there anymore. I’ll leave it at that.
I honestly don’t know 100% where fault lies. But I do know this: There was no deeper understanding of what I really suffered. There was no process or system of real support to help me or secure my success. You don’t think there should be? You may be right.
But I know I’m not alone. And I have to believe that other people fighting the black dog of depression could be helped and supported more. Not saved and lifted out. Just supported. Killing the stigma is great. But I don’t think it’s enough. And I think professionally a simple yet profound system, based just on education and understanding, can go a long way to maximize the potential of those who suffer mental illness. I believe this is an important discussion. One that can be handled with sensitive care in a professional light. And that is why I’ve shared here. That is why, on this professional blog, I’ve brought this out.
I’ll stop clacking now.
